Enough. I
have had absolutely enough. It's been 5 years since I have been posted on this
barren planet.
When I
signed up for a Mission to Mars, I thought there would be adventure, wonder and
excitement. All I have is some stale brinjal, a cranky old cat for company and
a vast range of mountains that are too big and too red. Though yes, Tambu isn't
always cranky. ISRO did a good thing by making sure that astronauts have an
animal companion. But if Tambu is my spirit animal, I feel worried about what
kind of spirit I may have.
5 years
can be a long time right? I don't know exactly when I got around to finally maintaining
my personal journal. I think it was some time after the first six months, when
I desperately wanted to see another human, hear his/ her voice, and maybe even
shake hands or give a hug.
For
someone who didn't like this sort of thing on Earth, this was a little worrying.
See the counsellor has anyway mandated 1 hour of daily interaction via video
calls. Sometimes it’s my parents, sometimes old friends and sometimes buddies
from the ISRO base in Cochin. But over the years I can feel that their lives have
moved ahead.
And I've
been stuck in this unchanging terrain.
‘So how's
the mission going?' they always ask.
I no
longer know how to reply.
Nowhere.
The mission is going nowhere. There is also no threat of running out of
resources, being attacked by any aliens or any other wacky shit.
The only
danger, and yes we had been briefed about it, is of losing our minds.
It's the
sort of thing you laugh about when you're sitting with a group of your
passionate astronaut buddies, all eager to shine bright. And we were given lots
of training on not going crazy. Meditation, yoga, journal writing, that kind of
stuff.
Initially
I avoided keeping a personal journal because it seemed weird to me. I am not a
writer really. My thoughts are either many and furious or none at all. And I
don’t have any thoughts on how to deal with my current situation.
In a way
it's a good thing that I didn't get married before coming here. My wife would
have probably not managed to remain my wife.
Now they're
also making me participate in this online dating thing with other female
astronauts. When we're deemed to be compatible, she will be sent to Mars.
But
honestly it's not going so well. No matter how casual they try to be, I can see
it. They look at this as a prize.
Any
romantic feelings are not the main deal here. And see, I have never really
believed in love or Shah Rukh Khan. But I can't handle it when anyone tries to
be fake nice.
I can
sense that the base team wants me to say yes to some girl. Nikarnika, I think.
Hell they
even made Tambu get on a video call with her. Well Tambu was not impressed.
I like
how cool Tambu can be. She thinks I don't know, but when I am asleep she comes
and snuggles up to me. I guess that's cute.
When I
signed up for this, let me be clear, I knew what I was signing up for. But now
I am no longer the person who had signed up for all this.
I don't
know for sure what I want. A teaching job back home at the base station would
be nice I think. Tambu of course would be coming back with me.
Most of
the testing and research assignments are running smoothly. They could be
controlled from Earth now. Though I don't know if they'll allow me to come
back. My return request was filed last week and they pretend as if nothing has
happened.
Even when
we signed up we were told that we could return after 5 years. I think they were
hoping that we wouldn't do this.
I keep
saying ‘we’ but my mates are spread all across the solar system. Occasionally
when the planets are at a suitable broadcasting frequency, we do get together
for a call.
Boy, it's
good. It's the only time when getting drunk feels good. But our conversations are
starting to crack now. Everyone is struggling with their isolation.
Inaka's case
was a shock. We didn't think he would take his own life. All those years ago
during training he seemed the most in control. I mean this guy made every party
a little more crazy, a little more memorable.
Maybe he
needed the parties as much as the parties needed him.
Oh hell,
I miss that bastard.
This idea
of sending us on our own to different planets, I see how it might have been
cost efficient. One mission goes wrong, we only end up losing one ship and one
astronaut. But I hope the next missions have bigger teams. Teams that can be
families.
Because being
an astronaut, I thought it would be about exploring the space and beyond.
But
mostly it has been about coming to terms with my own self.
THE END
